Have An Open Ear
Picture two dinner parties. At the first, you spend the evening waiting for a gap to slip in your best story, but everyone is busy talking about their own stories, and you never get a word in, edge-wise. At the second, a stranger asks about your job, then your hometown, then the odd hobby you mentioned in passing. You would probably feel like the second dinner party was much better. This is because most people love to talk about themselves (now there is a balance to this; not everyone is an extrovert, and there is such a thing as feeling fatigued about talking about only you).
So, how do you hit that balance? How do you become the person who can engage someone in conversation, ensure they feel like they get to say what they want to say, and they get to learn a bit about the person they are talking to in the process? First, people remember how much room you gave them. Be a good listener and let someone else be the main character for a while. Turn the noise down in your head, and take in what is being said. The other side of this balancing act is understanding when to interject your own story into the conversation. This helps move the conversation from being too focused on one person. In the end, both parties get to walk away having learned something new about someone new. To get better at this balancing act, try these three moves in your next conversation:
Read The Room
Before you decide whether to ask or share, take a quick read of the person in front of you. Are they leaning in and getting animated, or are their answers getting shorter? Energy is a great guide. If someone is lighting up, keep the questions coming. If they seem to be running low, that is your cue to offer something of your own. Not everyone recharges the same way, so let their cues, not your script, set the pace.
Trade Your Stories
When it is your turn to speak, aim for a short story that connects to what they just told you, and keep it brief. Something like "That reminds me of my first week on the job, when..." works well because it builds on their topic instead of hijacking it. Then hand the conversation back with a simple question. A good rule of thumb is to keep your story about half the length of theirs. That way, you give them a window into who you are without taking over the floor.
Learn Something New
Treat every conversation like a small treasure hunt. Your goal is to walk away knowing at least one thing you did not know before, and to make sure they can say the same about you. If you notice the exchange has been lopsided, gently correct course, either by asking about a detail you missed or by sharing a bit more about yourself. Balance does not have to be perfect in every chat. It just needs to feel fair to both people by the time you say goodbye.
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Till next time,
