Be Interested, Not Interesting
Ask most people how to become likable, and they will tell you to be more interesting: tell sharper stories, make better jokes, and have a stronger presence. But think about the people you actually treasure. They rarely hold the spotlight. They hand it to you, and somehow you walk away feeling brilliant. It seems backwards, yet it is one of the most overlooked skills for anyone who wants deeper connections, whether in the office, at home, or anywhere in between.
The reason it is so difficult comes down to where our minds wander. Even while someone else is mid-sentence, part of us drafts a reply, hunts for a way to connect it to our own experience, or simply waits for the pause. We rarely notice we are doing it, but the other person often does. Picture a time someone gave you their full attention, asked what happened next, and brought it up again days later. Now picture someone who nodded along until they could pivot back to their own news. The first left you feeling important. The second left you feeling like a spectator.
When people sense real curiosity aimed at them, their guard drops. They share more, trust more, and want to spend more time with you. Want to train yourself to be truly curious about others? Here are three practices for you to start trying today (and please don’t try to fake it until you make it - people will eventually notice if you are faking it).
Practice One: Dig Deeper
A question with a one-word answer closes the door, while a question that invites a story opens it. Swap "Did you have a good weekend?" for "What was the highlight of your weekend?" Then resist the urge to jump in when they pause. If you only ask questions that only need a simple response, then the conversation will never get really deep. When we open up our questions, we allow for the person across from us to do the same. After they answer, ask a follow-up. Keep the conversation on them and what they did for a time. Don’t just jump in with what you did (doing this will make it seem like you asked the question in the first place so you could talk about you).
Practice Two: Pay Attention
Interest is shown less by your words than by where your focus sits. Flip the phone over, step away from the screen, and look at the person in front of you (in fact, never have your phone visible while in a conversation with someone, unless you want them to think the phone is more important than your time with them). Pay attention to more than their words: notice what lights them up and what makes them pause. Attention, like kindness, costs nothing but your time. Just because it costs nothing does not mean its impact is not felt. Because it can be so rare to come by (real engagement… real attention… real kindness), it is felt much more by others.
Practice Three: Follow Up
Curiosity that vanishes the moment a conversation ends is not really curiosity (at least in my book). The proof comes afterward, when you circle back to what they told you: the big presentation, the ailing pet, the company trip they were dreading. Take note of what they said during your meeting, and maybe set a reminder to check in. Ask them, "How did it turn out?" When you take the time to check back in with the person and bring up something they previously mentioned, it shows that you care. Everyone wants to feel like what they say matters, and when you take the time to ask about how something they mentioned went, they feel that what they said mattered to you.
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Till next time,
