Removing The Negativity
The very first chapter of Dale Carnegie’s famous book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, tells the reader that to become a better communicator, you need not “criticize, condemn or complain”. In this post I am going to elaborate on what those three actions do to negatively impact your communication with others, and what a more positive replacement for each looks like. The basic fact about the first three principles of the book, is they are trying to make you a more positive person to be around. Anyone can point out what is wrong with a given situation, anyone can vent about the woes of life, and anyone can be negative. The point is not that you never say or point out anything bad… the point is that you do it correctly.
The difference between being negative to negativity’s sake, and going about talking about the ‘bad’ around you correctly, is the contructivity. As yourself before indulging in negative speech… “will what I am about to say be helpful in anyway? Will it work towards solving something about the ‘bad’ I want to talk about?” If the answer is no, then you may just be spreading negativity in your communication. If the answer is yes, then you have to go a step further and understand the ‘how’ behind the helpfulness. Will voicing your concern help you mentally because you need to vent? Will it bring up an important point and start the team down the path of change? Will it make someone deeply think and work towards being a better person? All of those questions go into understanding if what you are about to say is actually going to be constructive, or just negative. Below I address each of the three ‘nos’ in outlined in the first chapter of the book. I briefly say the part of the action that should be avoided, and the alternative that can improve your communication.
Criticizing
Avoid: When we see someone doing something that is wrong, or perhaps just something that we wouldn’t do ourselves, we are quick to judgement. That judgement often spills out of our mouths in the form of unsolicited ‘advice’, which is often just criticisms of them or their work. This certainly wins no friends, but worse it makes others not want to listen to you.
Alternative: Giving honest and contructive feedback is the positive side of criticisim. Critiques can help others grow, but the key part of delivering those critiques is ensuring they are first wanted by the individual receiving them. First ask the other party if they would like some feedback on their work. If they say “no”, leave it there. If they say “yes”, deliver with tact.
Condemning
Avoid: The act of condemning another person of their actions, is an act of proclaiming to them, and possibly others, the person’s did something inherently wrong. Whether someone did something wrong or not, is not something you need to tell to someone’s face. When we call other’s out on actual or perceived mistakes incorrectly, we burn bridges.
Alternative: If someone messed up, made a mistake, whatever… you first must ask yourself if you are the person that needs to point that out. Should you be that person who must point out the mistake, you can do so in a way that helps them. In a private setting, tell the individual they made a mistake, hold them accountable, and make it an opportunity for learning.
Complaining
Avoid: Complaining, in short, is just stating how unhappy you are with something or someone. While it is fine and often helpful to vent… it must be done in the correct setting and with the correct person or people. The downside of complaining about people, places or things is it makes you seem like an individual without patience or gratitude.
Alternative: Don’t get me wrong, complaing - specifically venting - is a strong suit of mine at times, but I do it in a safe space to let of steam. When you are annoyed at something, instead of letting it rule your mind, think about what needs to happen to make that percieved weakness become a strength. Do you have any power to change the thing? No? No worries.
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Till next time,
